Lestats Debauchicle

 

 

 

  September again and the weather is finally turning for the better. The snow was good here though.

Im pissed off and have nothing to fukin write.

 

 Hello.

 

 This is my real ordinary blog. Today I woke thirsy so I drank some cordial. I smelt a bit from the day previous, so I showered. I felt a little sluggish after my shower so I drank 3 cups of coffee.  We drove to a town nearby after said coffee and purchased material to make work(ings). We stopped at the pie shop and saw Cinderella with a heap of children and a really hot photographer. She had a big lens on her camera. We drove to work. Now I am sore. We had a counter meal. I have a sore tattoo. My life is falling togrther in random organisation for which I thank the organisers greatly. Boof is a big rotty that loves to eat blowers and I can prove it. There are no wonders of the world - only temporarily unsolved soulutions.  I put too much sauce in my pie, and some of it fell on my pants while pretended there wasn't. You cant just blinly gauge the amount of sauce you squeeze when the nozzle is buried in your food. You will always be tollerating a mouthful of sauce. I built a good retaining wall. Hung a good gate. Drank some good beer. Kept good company. Ate good Counter(ie). Life is good so long a s you dont weaken.

 

 

   I've decided to close the permissions on my space and get back into some blogging. I'll feel a lot more comfortable knowing who comes and goes from and to here.. Things are going fantasticly. I have much news and barely know where to begin.. For the first time in a lot of years it seems I am doing the right thing, finding my feet, and finally (to many peoples relief) getting on with the life I have not been much a part of for so long now. So many small pleasures I'd forgot about. Relaionships damaged and destroyed. In fact, in the scheme of things it's a wonder I'm in a position to be able to type right now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

    Gotta love that new Aussie band 'The Presets'.. So very much to talk about but nothing coming out. I've lost so mch over the past 2 years or so that I have given myself a mammoth task to get back on my feet - let alone dealing with the hurt i've dealt others.

 

   Just gone back over a few of my past enteries... e w w....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  Very large weekend. Did sweet fuck all, but an intense couple of days pondering things. Have decided against my little holiday - who was I trying to kid in the first place. I am hitting the road tommorow. Where to is still pretty much an unknown at this point, I am very much open to any suggestions in that reguard. North sonunds great for a bit of a holiday, but west is reminding me of my finances at the moment and how that direction will help that a lot. I am over Bendigo. I am over VICTORIA! Have a few things to take care of in Melbourne b4 I boot off - and some time to think about which direction to go.

   Feels very much like I am bashing my head against a wall at the moment. Certain events of the past couple of weeks are plaguing and tormenting.. I should open an "excellent choice centre" - people could pay to come and see me as to make the correct decision which will definatly work out for the best, 100% guarenteed.. Just choose the option that I DONT CHOOSE.. ;)

 

   Strange this existance can be at times. Very trying. Seems when I give it a go another blow is sent at me. I think it's all in my perspective but. I know it. Ive made a decision to seek some help in the seemingly endless and fucking painfull battle that is my sobriety. Yet another stumble - of large proportions - of late has put the icing on the rehab cake. Way too much passionfruit in the icing but - it's damn bitter.

  I've agin lost all of the living essentials - the wallet, the I.D, the bag (with a book in in it I was thoroughly enjoying) and other sundry bits - I am becoming far too comfortable with loss.. Above all else I have shed myself of lately is a relationship. The other crap doesn't hurt like this does hey. Can replace the medicare card pretty quickly and easily - and the person serving me even cracks a joke about the loss. There's no jokes when you push away a person and realise all to late the depth of your mistake.... Gotta go- cot'd 2morra... Pickin up my guitar now - yay..

 

   My sleeping (Pattern??) is fairly up the shitter. Doesn't seem to matter what physical state I'm in either, even when I've put in a big day as I did today, I'm not getting tired and there's nothing much more frustrating than lying in bed trying to sleep when YA CANT.

   Had some interesting news today. I may be recieving a financial injection of quite large proportions. Interesting. Not really phased strangely enough - in fact it kinda worries me a little. A lot actually. Will need to be very careful indeed.

   Getting stuck into the work again after some time off for personality re-adjustment and time-out. All fixed now. ;) Brand new. Got a roof to do in Mount Macedon next. Hopefully have my license back by then too - awesome. Had the ute sittin here for weeks and unable to drive it - it's starting to do my head in.              Money talks - Money talks - dirty cash . . . . 

  What's a good thing to think about as one tries to sleep? There is plenty I guess - but I'm usually tied up thinkin about what has to be done at work tomorrow - yea I know - interesting stuff Darin. If I'm really having trouble I sometimes imagine myself surfing across the tops of the clouds.. Can be great sometimes - get the whole inertia thing goin on and all. Banana smoothy and bed 4 mea. My guitar has seen better days but still works okay.. ;)

Fuji Apples.. I love em.

 

  Once on a mission to Melbourne years ago I stopped in Harcourt to buy a drink from a roadside orchid. I bought what were reccomended to me as the freshest apple in the store - a bag of Fujis. I ripped into one in the car, and I gotta say - it was like none other. Until that day, I hadn't eaten a full bag of Fujis in a week, let alone a day. I accomplished what needed to be done in Melbourne, apple in hand all day. When I got back to Bendigo, I was soooo full. I had eaten the whole fucking bag that day. Full of apples.

  But right now, I have a round of applause in my mouth after putting a Lindt Hazlenut chocolate ball in there. Damn that's some fine Chocolate. Banana smoothies tonight also. But this all is not why I'm in here blogging. Throwing off. Get to the point...

  There is lots I could write here, but there isn't a lot of substance to what you would be reading. The thing is, I am starting to listen. More importantly, starting to let go. A few fingers have been prized from whatever part of me I am gripping onto through fear and the unknown. The unknown is now becoming somewhere I wish to shine a bit of light on and take a wander through. This is not an easy task for me to let go of something that I have stupidly hung onto for so long, but something I am working hard on right now. Even this minute. The irony is that it has a load to do with how much I analyse which I kinda feel like I'm doing right now - but - to change this I need to know what needs the focus in this change. The focus now is mostly on the recognition of change & that it is good - contrary to what my old thoughts would have me believe and react to. Old ways tell me swim when drowning, now I am thinking I'll float anyhow. And that if I am drowning, I'm there for a reason.

  There are things going on for me I am not implimenting this altered attitude on through fear. There. I said it. Fucking fear. Its a word I could very well choke on but need to get used to it. Turning it into anything else is an exersize in futility if I cannot recognise it. I am really starting to go somewhere - can't say really where or what is instore for me, but something in me is pushing. Still the hesitation dwells in my guts, but it will go. I will see it to the door. Buy it a train ticket and drop the fukin worm off at the station.. ;)

  I have struck a mentor. He is where I am going - where I want to be. He has made a large impact on me in a matter of days in reguard to my thinking. It possibly can be an answer I have been looking for - should I just LET GO. ;) The fingers are tired, my mind is opening and the floodgate valve is rusty. Bring it on I say.

  There are things I want to say to people in my life right now but are not . . All in time. I'd rather be at the beach.

   

 

     I'm out of here for now - big day in Melbourne for me - not looking forward to the whole hussle and bussle thing, but it will make for a good time out in another environment. 

   For me a lot of things are unbelievably coincidental at this point in time. So unbelievably coincidental that it defies logic and reason. These occurrences sometimes render me numb with astonishment. The thing I've gotta sort out is that maybe it's this clean living and positive attitude toward my life manifesting in different ways that's causing it all. And maybe these things have been occurring always, but I've not noticed before - although I seriously think I would have - they would have spun me out even furthur. Guess the largest factor in all this is that I am not very used to good things happening in my life. When they do, I cannot help but be suspicious to varying degrees. I can be very niaeve at times. I was talking to a friend about it yesterday. There have been times that a girl has been seriously flirting with me and I am not aware of it, although everyone else present can.. It's like she would have to get right up in my face and put my hand on her breast - "Hello Dickhead!!" Like I said - can be very niaeve.. ;) It can be a good thing though - and I know for a fact that sometimes I play on it and use it subconsciously. It can be very helpful in avoidance and not dealing with stuff which isn't really that helpful to my cause. Some things are better left unsaid.